Professor Snap
by PigeonChicks
Summary: Snape is faced with a hideous new school councilor, Professor Snap. Everyone finds him charming, but he isn't even a real professor! What dark secret is he hiding and why has Severus been plagued by life-threatening 'accidents' since Snap's arrival?
1. An Enemy in Hogwarts Part 1

**Professor Snap: Part I: An Enemy in Hogwart's**

"And since the infestation of Bugbaboos, which eat only dirt and grime, having a full-time janitor on the payroll just seemed superfluous. So now Hogwart's has an open, non-professor position." Dumbledore finished the first tangent of his staff meeting.

"I put forward the motion that we increase spending on the abstinence budget-" Snape was interrupted by the teachers gasping in horror, "for the _students_," there was a collective sigh of relief, "by purchasing chastity ankle bracelets that repel members of the opposite sex so that I do not have to listen to their foolishness!"

"You're just jealous! The only one responsible for airing out your dusty nethers is you! Don't quash the happiness of others just because you lie awake at night, lonely and cold without the warmth of Madame Sprout to protect you." Madame Sprout squeaked out in that irritating fly voice of hers.

"I've told you 'no' once and I refuse to repeat myself." Snape gave her a blistering glare.

"Silence is implied consent!" She giggled, quite unabashedly.

"So ANYWAY!" Dumbledore cleared his throat, "With the increase of teen suicide at Hogwart's and the changing of these rapid times that none of us can keep up with, I have decided to hire a school counselor.

Everyone looked aghast, as they had hoped that Filch's loss would go towards an increase in their salaries. Except for Snape who furiously exploded.

"Why would you coddle those drooling infants? They can hardly deal with the real world as it is! Giving them another teat to suckle at will only add years to their complacency and emotional dependency!"

"Now, now, Severus. I'm sure if we had been more open to mental health in the past, you might have actually turned out okay. But just because it's too late for you, doesn't mean we should punish others." Dumbledore smiled good naturedly.

"Ouch." Snape looked downcast.

"Now then, moving on the next order of business: dead centaurs are appearing in the girl's lavatories. I'm not going to point any fingers, _Professor Flitwick_, but I would ask that whoever is responsible to please stop, as it is frightening the girls into pissing in the bushes. Our raspberries are now inedible and they have killed several hydrangeas."

* * *

Mister Stanwick Snap had stepped into the role of Hogwart's first ever school counselor with much gusto. Ever since his arrival two weeks into term, he had become the most popular staff member among the students. He listened to their problems and seemed to care about their well-being. Best of all, he was only thirty, and was still able to remember what it was like to be a child. He was friendly with everyone, had clean black hair, and a charming disposition.

Professor Snape hated him.

He whistled too loudly on his afternoon strolls and, as Snape's office neighbour, never failed to pop by on Tuesadys with "extra gingersnap cookies that aren't going to eat themselves! They'll warm your tummy, yum yum!" Pretentious bastard and his pretentiously delicious cookies! Since the students loved him, they came to see him at all hours to bitch about their infantile concerns, like parental abuse and gender identity issues. The comforting platitudes and good cheer spilled through the thin walls into his office like a blinding ray of pink sunlight. It hurt his eyes.

* * *

As on every Friday, Snape began grading his student's excruciatingly terrible potion's papers at 3pm like clockwork.

"Oh, Professor Snap! You're the coolest! Thanks for the handout on eating disorders. I'll read it right after I eat lunch!" A student and Mr. Snap burst out into cascades of joyful laughter.

Professor Snape, annoyed in every possible way, slammed his hands down onto his desk, breaking his quill and spilling his ink.

"HE'S NOT A PROFESSOR!" He shouted, but was largely ignored.

"See you next week, okay? And don't forget to keep a journal of what you're eating." The now-dubbed Professor Snap called after the nameless problem student.

Feeling jittery in a way he hadn't for a long time, Snape had a sudden hankering for a sweet, sweet Las Vegas Cigarillo. He angrily stalked into the hallway, trying to ignore the presence of Professor Snap, and lit up. The magic cigarette manufacturing restrictions had dictated that all magical cigarettes have no adverse effects on health and no chemicals that were addictive. Since these lame safety regulations had been enforced, Las Vegas Cigarillos had started a new marketing campaign to make their cigarettes appear more badass, thus appealing to the youth demographic. One in every million cigarettes, upon completion, would explode. Nowadays, consumers were getting hooked on the thrill of gambling with their safety.

He took a sweet, strawberry drag and felt a little better. As he exhaled, he opened his eyes and almost started choking. Hung in front of him was picture of a pond with a rainbow and ducks and butterflies. Everything moved serenely and the rippling waters combined with the quacking would have been soothing for most. Snape felt like he was going to have an aneurism. The rainbow, in particular, was insufferable.

"SNAAAAAAP!" Snape roared.

"What can I do ya for, neighbour?" Professor Snap poked his face, complete with its chiseled good looks, out of his office.

"What is this," Snape pointed a trembling finger at the picture, "_garbage_ that you are littering my hallway with?"

"Well," Professor Snap could see that this required careful attention and stepped out into the hallway, "I thought that putting a picture out here would make my office seem more welcoming to the students. You see, research has shown that looking at naturalistic scenery reduces anxiety. Why, even having a fishtank in a dentist's office has been shown to reduce panic attacks in patients…that is, as long as the fish aren't magical flesh-eating blood worms! Ha ha ha ha ha ha~!"

"What is a dentist office?" Snape looked suspiciously at Professor Snap.

"Wait, is that a Las Vegas Cigarillo?" Professor Snap looked suddenly intent.

"I'm not sharing! They're twenty knuts each!" Snape clutched them close to his sunken chest.

"Oh, no thanks, big guy!" Laugh lines crinkled around Professor Snap's sensuous blue eyes. "They're dangerous for your health! I offer addictions counseling on Mondays! You don't need those things to feel the thrill of a meaningful life."

"I smoke them occasionally to relax. And what would you know about a meaningful life? You aren't even a real doctor! Could you write me a prescription for a bottle of aspirin? Oh wait, no you can't! Because you aren't a doctor! Ha ha ha! I could _make_ an aspirin in my potions lab in my sleep!" Snape took a long, satisfying puff from his strawberry cigarillo and blew the smoke over the painting, causing the ducks to cough.

"Well, we're going to be neighbours, so we should try to make the best of it. If I'm doing something that bothers you, please let me know and I'll do the same for you. Passive-aggressiveness gets us nowhere!" He gave his hearty laugh again as he locked his office and headed off.

"I JUST TOLD YOU I HATE YOUR PAINTING!" Snape screamed to an apparently deaf Professor Snap.

Then his cigarillo exploded.

* * *

Snape had just returned from the infirmary where Madame Pomfrey had repaired his horrible burns.

"I don't know why I smoke those things. And on top that, now I smell like strawberries!" He grumped.

As he approached the door to his office he noticed the sound of water. Professor Snap had taken his criticism to heart and replaced the scenic picture with a towering Balinese Tranquility Fountain. The enchanted waters flowed in an endless loop, controlled by a small stone rectangle in the centre. The whoosh of water reminded him of the rainfall when his father had abandoned him and his mother had wished aloud that he had been born a girl. It made him feel anxious.

"This is even worse than those damn ducks." Snape muttered.

He knocked on Professor Snap's closed office door and there was no response. Clearly the lazy bastard had turned in after 4pm. Still, Snape was never one to be reasoned with.

"OPEN UP YOU STUPID CHARLETON!" He pounded on the door, hoping to damage it. "HOW THE HELL IS THIS BETTER THAN A DUCK POND?"

He pounded on the door as hard as he could. Then he heard a clatter and whirled around, hoping to see his intended victim. Instead, he saw that the rectangle controlling the fountain had fallen over. The water's path chaotically altered and surged down the hallway. Before he could do anything about it, he was swept up and flew towards the far brick wall. Slamming into the stonework with dizzying force, Snape found himself pinned and unable to move as his mind reeled. There was water all around him and the impact had forced the air from his lungs. He gasped, trying to take in air, and only swallowed water. As much as he tried not to breathe, his body shook and involuntarily sucked in more water. His eyes started to go black around the edges and far too late he thought of reaching for his wand.

_So this is it, eh? And I couldn't even accomplish my life-long dream of failing an entire graduating class_.

Before his eyes closed, the pressure suddenly stopped and the water vanished. Snape fell from the wall and landed on the duck pond picture, which Professor Snap had left in the hallway. This turned out to be fortuitous, as the sharp edge of the frame jammed into his stomach, causing him vomit up all of the water and gasp for air. Quite out of strength and having a fair concussion, he rolled over to lay on his back and continued to breathe in sweet, sweet air. He heard footsteps skittering up to him, but couldn't even turn to look.

"Snapey-baby! You're hurt!" Professor Sprout's unwelcome face swam into his unfocused vision. "I'll give you CPR." He could still see her well enough to see her face flush.

Calling on reserves of strength he hadn't even realized he possessed, he pushed her forcefully out of the way and rolled onto his side.

"Get me to the infirmary, greenhouse wench." His voice was ragged and hoarse.

"Right!" She skittered off to fetch Madame Pomfrey, blushing that he had a pet name for her too.

* * *

Snape came to and found himself resting in a bed in the infirmary.

"Good morning, Severus." Snape was relieved to find Madame Pomfrey in the room with him and not Professor Sprout.

"Is she-"

"I told her you needed time to recover." Mamade Pomfrey gave a friendly wink.

"Thank Merlin." Snape let out a sigh.

The door quietly opened and Snape was aware of someone entering the room.

"I came as soon as I heard. Is he okay?" Snape recognized the quiet, respectful, and deep, manly voice of Professor Snap.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Madame Pomfrey gave Professor Snap a warm smile.

"He's awake? Oh thank Merlin!" Professor Snap's stupid face entered Snape's seeing range. "Severus, I'm so sorry!" He was breathing hard and it was clear he had literally run to the infirmary. "I thought the fountain would be a nice compromise, but I had no idea-" His voice stopped and he looked positively horrified.

"You mean the Balinese Tranquility Fountain? I'm surprised that you even had one! They're cheap knock-offs made in the magical assembly lines of France and were notorious for falling over, drowning nearby people, and ruining furniture. They were taken off the market in Britain years ago."

"Oh my God." Professor Snap sat down heavily in the bedside visitor's chair. "I had no idea." He covered his mouth in horror, then put his head in his hands.

"I'll give you two a moment." Madame Pomfrey, moved by his emotions and general physique, didn't want to embarrass Professor Snap by bearing witness to his manly tears.

Snape rolled his eyes.

_What an emotional wreck. God help this country if our students turn out like him._ Snape took feelings of remorse as a sign of emotional weakness.

As soon as the door closed behind Madame Pomfrey, Professor Snap sat up. He was dry-eyed and Snape could almost swear there was a subtle difference behind those blue eyes.

"Well, there's no sense in blaming myself now." He sighed. "Just because my plan didn't work doesn't mean that I'm a failure." Professor Snap put a firm hand on Snape's shoulder. "Oh well, there's always next time."

He gave a cold smile and walked briskly from the room, leaving Snape with a chill and a feeling of unease.


	2. An Enemy in Hogwarts Part 2

"And then he said 'just because my plan didn't work doesn't mean that I'm a failure'!" Snape waved his hands manically, accidentally sending spittle flying into Professor McGonagall's face. "He all but admitted it! He clearly wants to replace me as potion's master!"

"**Replace** you, Severus? Why, that's ridiculous! No one wants _your_ job. Not a week goes by when some student doesn't just ingest poison or blow themselves up! No, we're all quite happy where we are." She sighed, looking quite annoyed.

"Well, even so that doesn't change the fact that he tried to kill me!" Snape was vehement.

McGonagall raised an eyebrow.

"Really, Severus, if all you have for proof is his off-handed comment then you have shaky legs to stand on! I mean really! This "plan" he referred to is more likely his attempt to patch things up between you by responding to your request and getting rid of his gay painting." She gave him an exasperated look.

"You weren't there! It was sinister! His cheerful, sultry blue eyes were tainted with evil!" Snape emphasized this with violent hand gestures.

"Oh, Severus." She tsked him. "I remember the fuss you put up when Argus began working for the school and you were convinced that he was trying to sabotage your potions class by re-arranging your ingredients-"

"Which is why I now put them in locked cupboards!"

"-and then you were _certain_ he was trying to poison you by leaving dead rats on your pillow." She gave him a stern look.

"There _were_ dead rats, left by his stupid cat! And when I brought up my legitimate concern, he looked at me with the idiotic eyes I only see in the skulls of student's parents and said, 'She's leaving you prezzies? She **likes** you!' Then he started forcing me to attend meetings with the local chapter of the Cat Fancier's Society. Not to mention her birthday parties. Yes. Those only stopped when she was unfortunately and mysteriously stomped to death."

"What I'm _trying_ to say, is that Stanwick was probably just trying to be a good neighbour and your paranoia is warping your perceptions!" She rolled her eyes.

Snape narrowed his eyes.

"_Stanwick_, is it? I didn't realize you two were so **close**." He hissed.

"I refer to all faculty by their first names! Except for Professor Binns, since he is no longer a person."

However, Snape didn't fail to notice the slight flush across her cheeks.

"Severus, I have papers to grade and I'd rather not stay up until dawn talking about your paranoid fantasies. Just take a step back and think about it. Please? It would be wonderful if you two could be friends. Because then you'd stop complaining to me about everything he says and does." She massaged her temples and, with a yawn, shuffled out of the staff room.

Professor Snape sat in pensive silence. He valued her judgments more than he would ever admit and he felt obligated to at least think about it. A bit.

_I guess not everyone I've accused of trying to kill me or sabotage my life has actually been trying to do so. And it did seem like it was an accident that the fountain fell over. If I think about it, the pounding on his door probably knocked it over and, were it not for that duck painting, I would have died. In fact, perhaps the sinister feeling I got from him was a trick of the light. Perhaps I was too hasty in my conclusion. _Snape did not like admitting he was wrong, which is why his admission came in inner monologue form.

His meditations were interrupted by someone entering the staff room. He turned to see Professor Snap in pair of tasteful crimson silk pajamas. It really went well with his complexion. The gold embroidered monogram on the breast pocket, however, was insufferable.

"Oh, hey there, Severus! Glad to see that you've recovered so quickly." Professor Snap flashed his brilliant white teeth in a friendly smile.

"Yes, well, with Poppy practically being a squib it's no small bloody miracle." Snape growled, looking into the empty bottom of his teacup.

"Ha ha! Nice lady, though." His blue eyes twinkled.

Professor Snap went over to the espresso dragon. He wrung the creature's neck three times to indicate that wanted a red eye, and the dragon laid a red egg that Professor Snap cracked over his cup. Espresso poured out of the egg into his mug, sending up curls of steam that framed his handsome face. The dragon sighed and looked suicidal.

"It's a living."

"Won't that keep you up all night? I mean, you don't have a regular work load. You just sit around in your office all day 'til some spoiled child comes to whine about their inane problems." Snape said snarkily, ignoring the plight of animal slave labour.

Snap's face suddenly became more serious.

"You know these children have more complicated problems than you give them credit for. And their lives aren't made any easier by dismissing their pain. The kind of attitude and disdain you give them makes me feel like I'm needed here. The other professors may seem kinder, but most of them are condescending and too old to care. I think it means a lot to them for someone like me to be able to guide them. Or in some cases, just to be there to listen to them."

"I'm sorry, I tuned you out after 'children'." Snape idly wiggled his pinky finger around in his ear.

"Well, I can see you're really busy here." Professor Snap gave Snape a sideways glance.

Snape was sitting in an old, frayed bathrobe holding an empty teacup. He was still wearing his sock garters and black leather loafers. It was clear he had been sitting there for some time.

"Yes. Very busy. Always busy." Snape muttered, looking off in a random direction.

"Good night, then, Severus. May a flight of angels sing thee to thy rest." Professor Snap turned, gave the coffee dragon a reassuring pat, and left the room.

"What kind of stupid country did that drivel come from?" Snape recognized a literary reference, but not what it was from. He held great disdain for muggle "literature".

Suddenly, there was an almost metallic screech. Excited to finally see robots mating, Snape whirled around. He was disappointed and slightly alarmed to see the coffee dragon going berserk and fighting against the slats of its bamboo cage. Giving another cry, it breathed foam onto the bars. The foam was much too hot and melted through the bars somehow. I guess it was magic.

Clearly beyond reason, the dragon leapt from the counter aiming straight for Snape's face! As it extended its biscotti claws, Snape knew that it was curtains for his boyish good looks.

Snape barely dove out of the way as the dragon blew scorching hot foam onto the leather sofa. Remembering how to fly, the accursed beast spread its wings and prepared to hunt Snape down like the animal it had been forced to live as.

"Mocha cappuccino!" The beast roared and laid an egg.

The egg, acting as a bomb, fell onto Snape's head. As it cracked the steaming hot liquid poured over his face, burning his skin.

"AGH! This really hurts!" Snape tried to show no emotion, as his face was covered in painful blisters.

"Caramel Macchiato with extra foam!" The dragon laid another egg on Snape's head, causing more second-degree burns.

Before the dragon could finish him off with scalding foam, Snape remembered the crowbar he had hidden under the couch for just such an emergency. You'd be surprised how many weapons he'd hidden around the school.

He dodged the blast of foam, and wound up with the crowbar. With a sickening crunch, the cold metal met with the dragon's scaly face.

"A FACE FOR A FACE!" Snape roared.

The dragon spiraled out of control and hit the wall with a wet-sounding smack. It fell to the ground in a bloody heap, laying several chai lattes in shock, and then expired.

* * *

A blessedly Professor Sprout-free infirmary visit later, Snape stormed up to Professor Snap's office with a vengeance. Not even bothering to knock since that asshole did no real work anyway, he burst into the room.

Professor Snap sat behind an impressive mahogany desk in his cushy, swiveling chair. There was a comfortable couch for students to sit on and a few friendly green houseplants. Snape gave a strangled snarl as he took note of the more than dozen stupid duck pond pictures. Their merry quacks gave the place a surreal and almost horrific feeling.

"Severus!" He quickly slammed shut a book he had been writing in. Snape was certain it was a girly diary.

"Stanwick." Snape narrowed his eyes.

"My! That's the first time you've called me by my first name!" Professor Snap looked delighted.

"And the last." Snape took out his wand.

"What are you doing?" Professor Snap looked blank.

"Challenging you to a duel, of course! It's a hell of a lot better than waiting around for you to attempt to kill me again!"

"What are you talking about?" Professor Snap looked very confused.

"The coffee dragon went berserk and tried to kill me mere hours ago!" Snape fumed.

"What? Are you al-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Snape roared. "I WILL NOT HAVE MY INTELLIGENCE INSULTED BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A MASTER'S DEGREE! I found these Bohemian Dragon Mites on the dragon's corpse! They aren't from here. Someone had to have planted them because they can't survive in our crappy British climate! And you touched it right before you left!"

"I like to thank the beasts that give me the food I eat. Why, just last week I held a banquet for the house elves." Professor Snap looked like he could hardly believe what was happening.

"YOU'RE DISGUSTING!" Snape shuddered at the thought of touching house elves, what with their leathery grandma skin and their creepy giant eyes.

"Why are you _really_ here?" Professor Snap put on his therapist face.

"I'm here because you are **ruining my life and trying to steal my job**!"

"So you're threatened by me?"

"Yes, I find attempted homicide very threatening!" Snape was practically quivering with rage.

"I don't think that's what this is about." Snape could only get out a confused and angry squeak before Professor Snap continued. "I think this about you. You've been churlish with me from the very moment I arrived. No matter what I've done, you've found fault with it. I've noticed that Dumbledore has quite a number of duck paintings, yet you've never said anything to him about it."

"I don't see how-"

"You're threatened by my very presence and I think I know why." He inclined his head, throwing it into dramatic shadows.

"YES! Because you're a mur-"

"It's about love."

"What?"

"Tell me, Severus, who do you love?"

Snape looked uncomfortable and his wand hand wavered.

"Is there anyone in your life? Any special lady?"

"There was one…but she died a long time ago. And was married to some asshole, besides." He bared his teeth.

"I see. So you were in love with a woman, who you had decided was perfect, and she was in love with and married to someone else and then died. And out of pining romanticism you're still clinging on to your loving memories." Professor Snap summarized it with so many words.

Snape said nothing and looked furious at being emotionally undressed.

"You know what that means? She's an excuse. If you cling onto an impossible ideal you'll never have to put yourself out there. The mere fact that you haven't found another woman in so much time leads me to suspect that you are in fact wrestling with accepting your own homosexuality. There is no such thing as unrequited love."

"WHAT THE HELL?" Snape looked aghast.

"Let me finish!" Powerless before Therapist Face, Snape went silent. "You would have moved on if you were truly attracted to women. In fact, I've noticed that you spend an awful lot of time with Minnerva, yet it never goes anywhere. I can see in your body language that you aren't attracted to her at all."

"That doesn't prove anything!"

"Not to mention Professor Sprout is practically throwing herself at you."

"Who would want **that**?"

"What I'm trying to say is that there are plenty of women here interested in you, but you ignore them all in the name of a love ideal that is and has been impossible to attain for decades. And instead, you've been obsessing over me."

"Don't flatter yourself! I'm not into fat chicks." Snape hissed.

"And this was before you had convinced yourself I was trying to kill you. You're blaming accidents and happenstance on me so that you have a non-homosexual reason to focus all of your attentions on me. I'm telling you, Severus, that it will be better for your health if you can accept your sexual orientation and let go of the insane delusions that you use to avoid it!" Professor Snap gave Snape a firm look that took him aback.

Snape paused for a moment and looked like he was seriously thinking.

"I guess I was wrong." He said slowly.

"That's right. Let it all out." Professor Snap smiled warmly.

"I liked it better when you were trying to kill me!" He spun on his heel and stormed out the door with his cloak billowing out behind him.

Professor Snap smiled coldly.

"There goes a confused man."


	3. The Enemy Within Part 1

**Professor Snap: Part II: The Enemy Within**

"Hmmmhmmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!" Professor McGonagall hummed cheerfully as she poured herself a cup of tea and stirred in the sugar.

"Would you cease your infernal humming? I'm trying to listening for more attempts on my life." Professor Snape, also in the staff room, was sitting with his back in a corner. Set before him was an assortment of knives and he held his wand at the ready.

"Well, I can't help it if I'm not always looking for death and destruction. Something nice happened to me today and you're not going to ruin my mood." She continued stirring and humming.

"I don't **look** for it. It finds me!" Professor Snape, vibrating on the spot from nerves, chewed his fingernails down to nubbins.

"Whatever."

"Is that…_perfume_ that I am smelling?" Professor Snape, fully distracted, looked at her incredulously. "What possible reason could crusty old bat stench no longer be good enough for you unless…_you have a date_." He hissed, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

"My previous perfume," She looked down her nose at him, silently furious, "was called _Eau de Pomme_. The French means it's sophisticated."

"And foreign." Snape hissed again.

"And not that it's any of _your_ business, but yes. I have a date." She gave him a haughty glare.

"It's nice to see that you have finally come off your high horse, recognized yourself for the old bag that you are, and settled for Professor Flitwick." His eyes whipped to another corner of the room as he heard a soft scuffling.

"Not that I care, but when is the last time you had any sleep?"

Her question was answered when he continued to look desperately about and took a sip of homemade espresso from a hip flask. She was annoyed with his lack of attention, and decided to be on her way.

"Well, I'd best not keep **Stanwick** waiting." She breezed as she brushed past him.

"R-WHAT?" Snape turned all of his attention on her, causing McGonagall to smile coldly in triumph.

"You heard me."

"You can't! He's evil!" Snape leapt to his feet, which threatened to snap. "Have you listened to nothing I've said, you stupid wench?"

"I couldn't stop you from telling me." She rolled her eyes. "What's the matter, Severus? Jealous?" She gave a smug smile.

"Please! That crappy dialogue and minimal amount of character psychology could have been pulled from a B grade muggle film." Professor Snape snarled. "Have fun on your date with that psychopath! Hope you like being dismembered, chopped up into 3 cm cubes and stuffed into an attic!"

"As I said before, Severus, I'll leave you to your paranoid delusions as I totally get some. Good day." She left before he could say anything more.

* * *

Professors Snap and McGonagall were walking arm in arm through a local carnival that had set up in Hogsmeade. Professor Snap pointed at a colorful clown and Professor McGonagall laughed at his crappy minimum wage job. Clowns could still bring laughter, even to adults.

"Look, if you're not going to buy any deep fried, butter toffee-covered squid tentacles then you can't hide behind my stall anymore. Seriously, you're scaring away my business." The one-eyed smelly hobo-looking man drooled as he bared his single, plaque-encrusted tooth in disapproval.

"Shh! They'll hear you." Snape narrowed his eyes.

"Get out." The man shoved him from his hiding place.

Snape managed to stumble across the path and into an open garbage receptacle without being seen. Peeking through a small hole, he continued to watch in seething rage as the happy-seeming couple boarded a Ferris wheel.

"Not that I care about that frosty old bitch's well-being. But Snap is clearly up to something." He growled.

Watching the two smiling on the Ferris wheel totally pissed him off. A happy happy Professor Snap pointed out the window and a happy happy Professor McGonagall leaned out to get a better look.

"Cripes, I hate them so much. Do they really have to smile so goddamn much?"

"Waah!" Cried a child, who had been trying to throw out his lollipop when the waste receptacle emitted a string of curses.

"Beat it, you brat!" Snape yelled.

"Daddyyyyy! The garbage said a bad word!" the boy ran away.

Looking back, he saw to his alarm that Professor Snap had stood up as Professor McGonagall continued to squint at the ground below while hanging out the window. Snap held up both of his arms and suddenly lunged forward!

"NO!" Snape tried to leap heroically from the garbage can, but tripped on his way out. The spell he cast missed the Ferris wheel and lit the merry-go-round on fire. Several magical wooden horses died and the rest stampeded throughout the carnival, spreading their fire and panic to all.

Snape ignored all of this and looked up in time to see Professor Snap pulling a bat out of McGonagal's hair. Apparently the little beastie had gotten caught. As if sensing someone's watching eyes, Professor Snap suddenly looked below him. Snape barely dove into a cotton candy machine before being spotted.

"This is no good." Snape ignored the angry cries of the vendors. "I need more mobility."

A passing lion mascot answered his call and after some persuasive pummeling, Snape was now cleverly disguised. Attempting a happy dance that looked like a death shuffle, he managed to somehow maintain his plausibility.

* * *

After following the two as they rode the tea cup ride and the tunnel of love, Snape saw them end their magical date in Hogsmeade Pub.

Professor Snap, clearly a gentleman, didn't even cast a wandering eye at the shapely mugs of Madame Rosemerta. He pulled out Professor McGonagall's chair at an intimate table and the two seated themselves. Snape, knowing his mascot costume wouldn't fly, discarded it in the Shrieking Shack and donned a patchy overcoat he found on this guy who clearly didn't need it as much as he did. After also liberating the man's hat, Snape entered the pub and sat on the far side of the bar.

"Care for a pint?" Madame Rosemerta leaned low over the bar, showing off her huge tracts of land.

"Yeah, whatever." He waved dismissively.

Put out, she flounced off under the pretense of getting his drink. It never came. He prepared to carefully glare at and internalize Professor Snap's every move in order to ascertain the fiend's newest plot.

Professor Snap gestured wildly as he told some kind of stupid story – no doubt about ducks and helping children. God, he was so pretentious. Professor McGonagall gwaffawed at his tale.

"How could you be taken in so easily? I always thought you were the one closest to my I.Q." Snape shook his head sadly.

McGonagal stopped laughing abruptly and suddenly turned to look right at Snape. In a panic, he whirled to face the man sitting next to him. He noticed that she seemed placated and returned to her conversation.

"So…how about those…sports?" Professor Snape tried to make small talk.

"Oh, hey there. M'name's Bill Buttercakes." The man smiled warmly.

His name suited him. He seemed to be a friendly, roly-poly guy with naturally rosy cheeks and smiling eyes.

"My condolences."

"What?"

"So what brings you here?" Snape tried to distract the man from his rudeness.

"Me? Oh, I'm just waiting until I have my job interview! I'm pretty excited for it. I've never worked at such a prestigious place as-" Snape noticed Professor Snap rising from his seat as McGonagall headed to the lou. It was obvious that he intended to confront Snape!

"I have to go. Good luck overcoming the handicap of that name of yours." He made a mad dash for the door.

"Severus!" Professor Snap yelled, but Snape was already out the door.

Outside in the light of day once more, Snape crunched through the snow as he sprinted back in the direction of Hogwart's castle. He tried to weave through the stupid fools who were enjoying the carnival in order to escape.

"Stupid merriment!" He howled.

A flash of green light whizzed past his ear and smashed into the hideous squid vendor.

"Holy hell!" His eyes widened as the vendor fell down dead.

Everyone screamed and erupted into mass panic, which worked in Snape's favor. Running under the cover of innocent lives, he heard Professor Snap call out from behind him,

"Severus! Wait!"

"Like that's going to happen!" Snape sprinted like he had never sprinted before (and he hadn't because they didn't enforce gym class back when he was a kid) and dove into the house of mirrors. Because that's what people in danger at carnivals do.

"Good God, he's crazy." Snape felt his heart battering itself against his ribcage as he walked by twisted reflections of himself that were, admittedly, an improvement.

"Well, at least with a dead body I have proof that someone is trying to kill me." Snape felt bitter that his proof had not come any earlier…and in the form of Harry Potter's corpse.

"Severus!" Professor Snap's voice boomed throughout the hall.

"Gandalf's nutsack!" Snape jumped and then ran further into the house of mirrors.

There was a streak of black that hit the mirror next to him and it exploded into shards of glass that pierced his patchy coat and flowing, black robes. He tried to cover his head as the slivers rained down on him.

"What the hell is your problem?" Snape yelled. "What did I ever do to you? I don't think bitterness warrants homicide."

Another mirror exploded.

"I'm not trying to kill you! Where are you?" Professor Snap yelled above the tinkling of glass.

"Oh my God! You want to catch me, tie me up in the Shrieking Shack, take my job, dress me up as the Pink Power Ranger and torture me endlessly!" He was horrified at the disgusting depths of Professor Snap's mind.

"What?" Professor Snap seemed distracted, no doubt by Snape's keen insight, and as the charlatan froze Snape covered his eyes and shouted,

"_LUMOS_!"

The mirrors intensified the light and Professor Snap screamed an eerie-sounded scream. Snape bolted for the door and ran as fast as his scrawny legs could carry him to the castle.

* * *

Dumbledore leaned back in his old man throne, enjoying the peaceful quacking of the duck pictures lining his office. He sipped a cup of roibleberry tea and listened to the unpleasant shrieking of the former headmaster's portraits as they re-enacted _Titus Andronicus_ for his amusement.

"Ho ho ho! You won't be needing _that_ arm anymore." He slapped his knee in mirth.

Suddenly, the door to his hallowed chamber smashed open.

"HEADMASTER!" Snape bellowed.

"Severus!" Dumbledore jumped, spilling roibleberry tea all over his crotch. "By the wings of a fairy godmother, that burns!" Tears spilled from his eyes. "Couldn't you just knock?" He conjured up some ice for his wound.

"There was no time for niceties!" Snape insisted.

"It's not a matter of niceness." Dumbledore moaned.

"That imposter Stanwick Snap tried to kill me! There's a corpse to prove it!"

"What?" Dumbledore was no longer in a particularly open mindset.

"I was at the carnival! And so were they!"

"Who's 'they'."

"Snap and Minnverva!"

"Ah, I wondered why she had switched over from crusty old bat stench to her new perfume. Shopping for younger men, is she? Well, good for her. You know what they say: 'Shoot for the moon. When you miss, you'll land amongst the stars.'" Dumbledore mused.

"That's not important! He's homicidal. He's tried to kill me twice before and no one believed me! He used a fountain and a dragon and then I stole clothes and followed him on his so-called date that was really an attempt to draw me out so he could kill me and he did and I did and then he did! Now the squid vendor is **dead**!"

"Pity. I liked his tentacles."

"Please sir! I barely escaped with my life! Look! I'm bleeding! BLOOD!"

"I see that and assume that it is your own." Dumbledore nodded in acknowledgment.

Snape was wearing some rather unsightly hobo clothes. There were pieces of cotton candy and garbage stuck in his hair, he was covered in powdered glass, and he was bleeding all over from shrapnel wounds.

This was one of those days that caused him to consider early retirement.

"Why don't you sit down, Severus?" Dumbledore gestured to a seat.

"But-"

"Sit."

Snape sat in the chair, shaking with a tension so strong that even the quacking of fifteen duck paintings could not dissipate it.

"Severus, Minnerva has mentioned to me that you seem to be very on-edge lately." He steepled his fingers.

"That would be a result of the attempts on my life, sir." Snape looked intently at the headmaster.

"She's also mentioned that you haven't been sleeping."

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Snape roared.

"And while it's clear that something has happened today, I would think it best that I investigate the matter personally so that I can resolve it in a manner that is appropriate." Dumbledore gave Snape a firm look.

"What am I supposed to do while you do that? I can't just stay here-"

"In your current condition, I agree. You are of no use to yourself or others when you are so agitated. I don't doubt what you are telling me, so I suggest that you take a brief leave of absence."

"What are you saying? I can't leave the school while there's a mad murderer lurking about!"

"I give you my every assurance that I will increase safety measures in the school while I am investigating."

"Don't feed me that line of bullshit you give the parents every year that someone tries to murder Harry Potter!" Snape exploded.

"Severus, trust me. Take a leave of absence. I promise that things will improve when you return." Dumbledore just seemed to radiate trustworthiness.

Professor Snape took a moment to compose himself. Taking in his surroundings, he again noticed the copious amount of duck paintings. Snap had mentioned them earlier, but had they really been there before?

"Okay." He said slowly. "I'll take a leave of absence. I hate children anyway…"

"That's the spirit! Pack your bags and leave the school before tomorrow morning and I promise that in two weeks I'll have the whole thing sorted out." Dumbledore put a friendly hand on Snape's shoulder.

Snape smiled back, feeling a buzzing inside. Clearly Professor Snap had gotten to the headmaster.

"I'll see you in two weeks, sir."

* * *

Snape had received many gifts as soon as the students had heard he was taking a leave of absence. Many of these gifts involved free spa and hotel stays, not to mention the cards begging him to take as much time as he needed. Or to even not come back at all in exchange for buried treasure.

Knowing that children were stupid, he forgave their insolence. Before the sun had set, Severus Snape had crawled into Hogwart's ventilation ducts with his luggage. It was going to be a long two weeks, but he was sure as hell going to protect the school and the children. Stanwick Snap would not prevail!


	4. The Enemy Within Part 2

Far below, Professor Snap was lovingly watering his begonias as he hummed a merry tune.

"There you go, my loves. Grow up to be big and strong so your natural visage can put distressed students at ease and encourage the healing." He stroked their leaves.

He looked around his office and, seeing neither colleague nor student, sighed in defeat. There was certainly nothing to do now that students were mentally balanced from his ample care and Professor Snape's recent leave of absence.

Sitting down in his soft chair, he began to drum his fingers on the mahogany surface of his desk. The echo of each finger fall was somewhat depressing after a while, so he decided to flip through his notebook.

Instead of detailed notes and patient logs, each page contained meticulous sketches of pencils. These highly-polished tools of writing looked so real that one could almost touch them. He nodded in satisfaction and put the notebook in the upper-right-hand corner of his desk such that it was parallel with the desk's surface.

Bored again, he stood up and pulled out an easel from his closet and resumed some kind of oil painting. It appeared to be another gay duck painting. The ducks were merrily cavorting in an inflatable paddle pool shaped like a grinning yellow duck. Ducks that were not in the pool were playing with cute, fluffy kittens. The meows and duckling chirps filled the room. Professor Snap jumped in fright as he thought he heard a swallowed yelp of rage. He looked around the room and found nothing. He suddenly cast a suspicious look at the ceiling, but then his door slammed open.

"Professor Snap! Please, I can't take it anymore!" An angelic-faced blond young student breezed into his office.

Her sweet scent and naturally wavy hair made her look like she was amidst an ocean breeze.

"Oh, hello Miss Valentine." Professor Snap looked uneasy.

"Please, call me Honeysuckle!" She heaved her bosom forward.

"Er…I'd prefer that we keep this professional." He twitched, barely hiding his contempt. "Please, tell me what's troubling you." He gave an encouraging nod.

"Pencils!" She exclaimed, somewhat confusingly.

"I…see. Are you having intrusive thoughts of self-harm?"

"No! I just…I see them sitting there and it's like they're mocking me. I can't help myself! I just have to have them. I compulsively _steal_ them!" She emptied the pockets of her robes, which contained no less than fifty-seven pencils that all bore the crest of Hogwarts.

"How interesting. Why do you suppose this is?" Professor Snap was barely listening to her as he slowly reached for his notebook as inconspicuously as he could manage.

"It all started when I began having recurring dreams about bluebells. They would bloom with the morning sun and turn to greet the day."

"Go on." He had taken hold of the notebook and was slowly dragging it towards his desk drawer.

"Then the next thing you know, I'm going up a bra size and all the girls are being bitches to me."

"Yes, puberty is very…confusing." He managed to place the notebook quietly into his desk drawer.

"And then when I'm sitting in class and I see those pencils, I just get this overwhelming need to steal them! I take them up to my room, close the bed curtain, and stare at them for hours." Her face was very animated as she spoke of pencils.

"Stationary can be quite lovely. But why do you think it is that you are so drawn to them that you feel the need to steal them from the school?" He asked triumphantly as he locked the drawer and tucked the key safely away in his pocket.

"I JUST WANT A PENIS SO BAD!" She screamed, her lips quivering and her blue eyes shining with mania.

Professor Snap made no response. There was some sort of inarticulate sound from the ceiling.

"They're such perfect phallic symbols – but they're always mocking me! Shoving my inadequacy back into my face! Do you have any idea how that feels?"

Not actually waiting for a response, she continued.

"It's just so unfair! So hard! No one understands me! So I think if I can get enough pencils, then I can push those feelings down and –"

"I was afraid of this. You have penis envy." Professor Snap gave a heavy sigh. "You see, Muggles and magical people differ in one major way. If you look at this chart here," he pulled a large chart out of his closet, "you can see the difference between a muggle brain and the brain of a magical person."

The Muggle, as one would expect, contained a normal-looking brain within the casing of the skull. The magical brain, however, was an indistinct circle with unicorns inside.

"Magical people are mentally unbalanced and Freudian theory applies quite nicely. It was certainly rather surprising to our community and unfortunate for Freud's reputation that it only applies to us. Ours is a terrible mental deficiency and a horrible burden to bear. And soon research will prove my theories." He explained.

"Well, then what can I do?"

"If you feel strongly enough, you could always have a magical gender-reassignment procedure."

"No…I want to be a woman…but I also want to have a penis." She sighed.

"I'm terribly sorry; the English language is far too pejorative and biased to allow for more than two genders. The best I can suggest is joining a different culture."

"I have a simpler solution." She gave him quite the look, complete with a twinkle in her eye.

"And that's your cue to leave!" He began pushing her forcefully out the door.

"But you're so rugged and masculine! You remind me of my father." She wailed as he slammed the door shut behind her.

"Merlin's baggy ass sack." He sighed in relief as he locked his door.

The frantic pounding and clawing gradually subsided as the girl lost interest and wandered off. Being an authority figure certainly had its down-side.

* * *

Secreted amongst the rafters and ventilation ducts, Snape was keeping a careful watch on the certainly evil Professor Snap. After a week of living in the ceiling, Snape was becoming used to his new abode and even learning a few shortcuts. Spiriting the brunt of the house elves' rations away, he reflected on what he had witnessed. The student body was clearly more disturbed than he could have possibly imagined. Watching Professor Snap's therapy sessions had been more alarming than Professor Snap himself. Sure his drawings of pencils were weird, but that was nothing compared to the boy who murdered lobsters and kept their left antennae as a trophy in order to compensate for the fact that his mother was having an affair with the milkman. Not to mention the girl with multiple-personality disorders who possessed a mighty forty-six distinct personalities as catalogued by Professor Snap. Even more distressing, her condition seemed to be worsening as she developed a new duck personality which, from the rafters, he watched swimming about in the lake with the naked mermaids. No doubt this was Snap's doing with the influence of his suggestive duck imagery. The man was a menace. None of the students had been diagnosed with mental illnesses before Hogwart's had hired a psychologist; clearly he was somehow destroying the minds of the children.

But for the life of him, he couldn't figure out how! It was like the man was some kind of devious genius. Snape had been watching him for weeks and all he did, aside from the basic necessities, was draw pencils, listen to bitchy students, paint ducks, and go for shirtless morning jogs with the sweat sparkling off of his toned abs in the morning light.

As he finished off a buttered bun, he resumed his post above Professor Snap's office. Looking through the grate, he took stock of the duck paintings, the incessant quacking, and the furniture, but there was no man. No matter. He must have gone for his evening shower half an hour early. However, the shower was sadly empty, as was the rest of Professor Snap's living quarters. Could he have gone to the staff room? But he was nowhere to be found. Professor Snape started to feel uneasy. He had made a few strangled sounds during that crazy girl's train wreck of a therapy session, but surely Snap hadn't realized…

Snape was suddenly disturbed by an uneven pounding sound that was reverberating through the ducts. **THUNK-THUNK! THUNK-THUNK! THUNK-THUNK!**

"What the hell?" He muttered.

He looked behind him just in time to see chiseled good looks and greased-up shirtlessness flash past the junction he was hiding in. Before the reality could sink in, Professor Snap's angry face rounded the corner.

"I **knew **it!" His eyes flashed in anger.

"Oh shit!" Snape's eyes widened. "There are no witnesses here! _Expelliarimus_!" He cast a quick spell

Professor Snap flew backwards and slammed into the ventilation duct, seriously denting it and causing a panic among the girls in the girl's washroom. They were still edgy after the centaur incidents. Snape desperately clawed his way through the duct, hoping to Satan that Stanwick wouldn't recover his senses before he could reach Dumbledore. No wait! He was under Stanwick's influence and McGonagall was infatuated with the jerk. Who did that leave him? He shuddered.

"No…" But he knew it was true. Professor Sprout was his only hope.

Where would she be?

"Got it!" He exclaimed as he headed for the Great Hall where she would no doubt be stuffing her face.

"SNAAAAAAAAPE!" He heard the primal war cry from behind him.

"Naaaaa!" He panicked and doubled his speed.

But Professor Snap, greased up in spandex shorts, was steadily gaining on the winded Snape.

"You have no idea what you're meddling with, Severus!" Snap continued through the vent with a **THUNK-THUNK! THUNK-THUNK!**

"I won't let you destroy the school with your mind games and attempted murder!" Snape felt his panic steadily rising as Snap continued to gain ground.

"And do you have any idea how rude it is to spy on people?" Snap was practically foaming at the mouth.

"You're not my mother!" Snape shot back.

"Freudian Slip Attack!" Proffesor Snap used his ultimate psychology attack in an ironic and unintentional reference to his greased-up state and suddenly tackled the hapless Snape.

"Agh!" Snape cried.

The vent suddenly gave way and the two found themselves falling through the air. Hitting a few floating candles on the way down, the two fell for an awfully long time until they landed with considerable force on some large turkeys in the middle of the Gryffindor table. As the candles lit a ring fire around the edge of the table, the children were sprayed with pieces of turkey debris.

"What the fuck?" Harry was disappointed and confused by the spectacle before him.

"Uhhh…" Ron whimpered, silently crying for the angel Harry had just killed with his F-bomb.

"You asshole!" Snape leapt to his feet, his cloak tearing off because it was caught on the rib of a turkey.

With a resounding CRACK! Professor Snape bitch-slapped Professor Snap with his wand. That would show his smug face to look so good.

Professor Snap, furious, regained his composure despite his near nudity and pulled his wand out from the recesses of his spandex shorts.

"I didn't want it to come to this, Severus, but you've left me no choice!" His eyes were wide with fire and passion.

"I didn't either. Where the hell were you keeping that thing?" Snape looked upon Snap's wand with disgust.

"_Wingardium shiviosa!_" Professor Snap didn't give Snape anymore time for delay.

Snape barely dodged the conjured knives that flew at him, and the right sleeve of his robe fell off leaving behind a thin red line of blood.

"_Petrificus totalus_!" Snape cast back, but Snap nimbly dodged the spell.

It hit Neville in the face and he fell backwards off of his stool. Professor Snap stood, his muscles gleaming in the firelight, and glared.

"You're endangering the students." He growled.

"_I'm_ endangering people? What about that guy you killed when your spell missed me in Hogsmeade?" Snape used flailing hand gestures to emphasize his point.

"I tried to tell you, that wasn't me!" Professor Snap looked at him imploringly.

"_Immobulous_!" Snape screamed, spittle flying from his mouth.

But again, Snap dodged.

"_Wingardium shiviosa!_" Professor Snap succeeded not only in convincing Snape that he only knew one spell, but he also succeeded in cutting off the rest of Snape's robes and leaving a deep cut in the haggard, topless professor's shoulder.

"_Expelliarimus!_" The two cast at the same time.

As both were successful, their dignified wizard's duel denigrated into a homoerotic wrestling match as the two launched themselves at each other in rage.

"This is hot." Hermione breathed softly, as she and many others hadn't bothered to flee the carnage.

"I know." Harry remained transfixed.

Ron, who had initially had food dripping out of his agape mouth, now had vomit silently trickling out. This was the worst birthday ever.

Professor Snap slipped on a piece of pumpkin pie and fell heavily onto a goblet of pumpkin juice.

"Owwww!" He screamed what his spine was thinking.

Professor Snape toppled on top of him, somehow apparently winning at a contest of strength. Unsure of what to do when winning a fight, he resorted to slapping Professor Snap repeatedly in the face. It was quite satisfying.

"This is for your dumb duck paintings!" Slap!" And all those times you tried to kill me!" Slap! Slap! Slap! "And this is for looking much, much better than me shirtless!" Snape was sensitive about his sunken chest, protruding ribs and alabaster skin.

Professor Snap, recovering from his spine pain, managed to grab Snape's girly wrists to stave off the attacks.

"I keep on trying to tell you! It wasn't-"

A jet of green slammed into the honeyed ham beside them, creating a pink rain.

Alarmed, the two rolled onto their feet and jumped over the ring of fire just as another volley of the unforgivable curse hit more food.

The two regained their footing and whipped around to locate their assailant.

Snape's eyes widened in betrayal.

"YOU! But why?"


	5. The Ultimate Showdown

**Professor Snap: Part III: The Ultimate Showdown**

"I told you back in the funhouse Severus, it wasn't I who had cast the unforgivable curse." Professor Snap narrowed his eyes, glaring in intense hatred at the person before them.

"He was ruining my **date**." Professor McGonagall held her wand at the ready, standing atop two massive boars with apples in their mouths. "Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've had a date? I GAVE UP CRUSTY OLD BAT STENCH FOR YOU!" She screamed.

"Date?" He recoiled in horror. "But you said we were going to the carnival to make sure that it was appropriate for children."

"Oh, **come on**! You can't be that naïve!" McGonagall seemed more than a little crazy.

"I assure you that I was being nothing but professional. I resent your implication that there was anything more afoot." He drew himself up to his full height in indignation.

"My God." McGonagall breathed softly. "You're so darling. You're perfect for me." She gave him the willies.

"What the hell, Minnerva? I thought we were friends! Bros before hos!" Snape's heart ached. "I was only following you on that date to protect you because I thought he was a murderer!" His mind reeled. It seemed too far beyond reality to take in.

Professor Snap put a comforting hand on Snape's shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?" He gave Snape a deep, serious, concerned look.

Snape sneered at him and turned back to McGonagall without bothering to brush the hand away. "You tried to murder me for _this_?" He looked at her in disgust.

"It's too fucking late now, Severus! If you wanted me before, you had more than enough fucking chances to do the deed!" She shrieked, a tab bit of foaming spittle flying to land on the head of Draco Malfoy. The Slytherins, sitting about the table, were transfixed by the cussing, drama, and by McGonagall's granny panties.

"What?" Snape felt like he had been hit between the eyes. And then he saw it.

* * *

_Snape was sitting in his potion's dungeon hunched over an ancient tome. Professor McGonagall skittishly knocked at the door._

_ "Yes?" Snape asked in irritation, not even looking up._

_ "Excuse me, Severus Snape?"_

_ "Yes, that would be me." Snape mumbled, hoping whoever it was would go away._

_ "I'm Minnerva McGonagall. I know that you're new here so I thought I would introduce myself."_

_ Snape looked up in irritation. Before him stood a tall brunette around forty years of age. Although dressed as a severe librarian, she had the healthy radiance of youth, an ample bosom, and the promise of so much more about her plump, red lips._

_ "Okay."_

_ "I was thinking…would you perhaps like a tour of the school? You might have an easier time settling in if you are familiar with your surroundings." She offered with a friendly smile._

_ "This is the only place I need to know." Snape shot back, his healthy eyebrows knitting together._

_ With a toss of his greasy hair, he went back to reading his book._

_ "Alright then." She left._

* * *

_ Snape sat in the staff room by himself, blissfully alone. He sipped his acidic black coffee without any sugar or cream and reveled in the way it made his tongue curl in disgust. Truly it was the drink of champions._

_ "Oh, Severus. I didn't realize you'd be here so late!" McGonagall entered the room, announcing her presence. _

_ She had seemed to coincidentally enter the room at this late hour most of the time these days. Somehow, the dumb bitch was always as surprised as ever._

_**What a moron**__. He thought to himself._

_ He looked up to see her standing in the doorway with her arms against the frame._

_ "Hello Severus." She raised a single eyebrow._

_ She was dressed in a silk crimson nightgown that hugged all of her curves and possessed a sinking neckline. Her hair was down and wavy, falling just below her shoulder blades. _

_**God, can she ever **__***not**__*** think of Gyffindor? You don't see me wearing Slytherin pajamas.**__ Snape felt a swell of pride at his practically threadbare housecoat, stained undershirt, and ratty-looking boxers. He was truly a prince among thieves._

_ "Hello." He offered, then returned to sipping his coffee and staring at a wall. _

_ He was vaguely confused and mostly irritated as she walked to get her coffee and then sat down next to him, swaying her hips from side to side._

_ "Minnerva, I'm not sure if this will embarrass you, but I need to ask you something." He turned to her._

_ "Yes?" She said in a low voice with a look of triumph in her eyes._

_ "Have you injured yourself? Or are you walking like that because you're a cripple?" She looked like she'd been slapped in the face._

_ "I'm a __**woman**__, Severus!" She stood up, a flash of anger in her eyes._

_ "Right. So a cripple then." _

* * *

_Snape was sitting in his room at a small, wobbly desk. Spread out before him was a wizarding crossword puzzle. He felt a sense of superiority from knowing that his vocabulary was at its best. He only had two more words to find: A four-letter word for a troll that has mated with a centaur and a six letter word that was a synonym for bezoars. Suddenly, the door to his room flew open and smashed into the stone wall. He whirled around to see Professor McGonagall framed in the doorway, her hair askew and a slightly off look on her face._

_ "I WANT YOU, SEVERUS!" She yelled, oozing desire._

_ "To make you a potion on the down and low? I've told everyone else and I'll tell you: buy it at Hogsmeade and stop treating me like an apothecary!" He slammed the door in her face (literally) with a flick of his wand._

* * *

"Of course! God if women aren't tricky and subtle as all hell." Snape was shocked to say the least as he suddenly saw these past events for what they were.

"It doesn't take a genius to figure it out! In fact, only an idiot would miss the obvious cues that I was giving you!" McGonagall fumed.

"Even _I_ noticed them." Professor Snap gave Snape a sad look.

"Of course, it all makes sense now what with your constant obsession over Stanwick. I did my damndest to take him for myself, but I know when I'm beat. That's why I want to kill you!" She raised her wand for the finishing blow.

"_Avada Kadavra!_" There was a flash of green light.

Snape and Professor Snap dodged out of the way and then realized with a start that no spell had come anywhere near them. They looked up to see Professor Mcgonagall become strangely still and collapse lifelessly onto the twin hogs.

"That'll learn you, you damn hussy." Professor Sprout climbed to the top of the Slytherin table to stand atop of the boars and over Professor McGonagall's lifeless body. "I knew that you were trying to take my Snapey-baby away from me." She spat in contempt.

The Slytherins sat silently in terror, hoping that she wouldn't notice or kill them. Miraculously and par for the course, no one wondered why the rest of the faculty wasn't intervening to stop this madness.

"Oh great. It's you." Snape gave her a wary look. "Well, I guess you did stop my imminent demise, however this fact is balanced out by the fact that you also stopped her from killing him." He gestured towards Professor Snap.

"I don't care what the faculty says! No one could be more handsome, stunning, and perfect than you! You're the apple of my eye, the reason that I wake up each day to greet the morning sun. Why, without you, I would probably still be-"

Professor Snape, completely ignoring her, turned back to Professor Snap.

"Well I guess that attempt at the carnival wasn't you after all."

"It's okay, Severus, I can understand why you thought that and think it was very heroic of you to stalk me in the interests of protecting Minnerva." Professor Snap beamed, those beautiful laugh lines crinkling by his eyes.

"I wasn't apologizing!" Snape snapped. "Even before Minnerva went crazy about that date there were attempts on my life – two in fact – that still haven't been accounted for. And I think it was you and I'm about to show you what for!"

"I think that's quite enough, Severus." Madame Hooch had managed to quietly sneak up into the danger zone in the interests of cooling things off. "We all just need to calm down," she put a hand on Snape's shoulder, "because I'm sure that there's a logical explanation for-"

"YOU TOUCHED HIM! YOU DIRTY BITCH! _AVADA KADAVRA_!" Professor Sprout cut the exchange – and Madame Hooch's life – short.

Madame Hooch fell on top of the petrified Neville, whose trousers suddenly became wet. That was going to take some therapy for the young Longbottom.

"What are you doing?" Snape roared. "Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is for me? I'm the one who has to teach magical gym class if Rolanda is incapacitated! Do you have any idea how bad I am at magical gym?"

Professor Sprout's face flushed. "You're so manly when you're yelling." She said in a throaty voice.

"It must have been you!" Professor Snap suddenly pointed at her. "You were conveniently in that hallway to 'rescue' him! It's a classical stalker power-dynamic tactic: put the object of your obsession in a position where they are indebted to you."

"Gee, that would have been useful _several weeks ago_. Nice to see that your years of schooling, training, and observing human nature have primed you to notice people who are FUCKING INSANE!" Snape glared at him. "I could have told you when you first got here what a nut job she is!"

"Ouch." Professor Sprout looked hurt. "I was only trying to endanger your life a little so that I could save you and bring us closer together. We're meant to be lovers! I can feel it! The voices in my head and the plants in my greenhouse said so! You're the only one." She looked at him with adoration in her eyes. Adoration and the propensity for violence.

She raised her wand. "But I can see that you only have eyes for _him_. You watch him as closely as I watch you. You never check out the assets of other women, not even Madame Rosemerta!"

"You were _there_?" Snape was vaguely unsettled beyond being terrified for his life.

"But I saw you give Stanwick the once over the moment you two met. You don't even realize that you're doing it!" She clenched her teeth in rage. "How can you not know? How can you lead me on like that? So I think if I can't have you, then no one can!" She intoned darkly. "_Avada Kad-AH!_

Professor Snap threw himself bodily at Professor Sprout, falling on top of her and the pile of corpses as he fought to take her wand away. Snape, in the meantime, took this opportunity to hastily reclaim his wand.

"This could require diplomacy to stop the senseless loss of life!" Professor Snap called out to Snape as he fought to restrain the wildly thrashing Pomona Sprout.

"I prefer being blunt." Snape sneered at the chubby little Professor. "See you in hell, Pomona. _Avada Kadavra_!"

The jet of green light narrowly missed Professor Snap, whose eyes widened in terror, and hit Professor Sprout, who died on top of Professor McGonagall. Professor Snap stood up, climbing down from the pile of death, and stared at his hands numbly. He was an accessory to murder. He looked up at Snape.

"Was that really necessary?" He shouted. "Pomona's DEAD! And you almost hit ME!"

"Oh please. If I had wanted to hit you, you wouldn't be standing there asking your bleeding heart left-wing questions." Snape flicked a piece of ham off of his wand and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Does that mean that you no longer think that I was trying to kill you?" Professor Snap asked, somewhat wary and exasperated.

"It's become clear to me that you don't have the balls to murder someone." Professor Snape said airily. "It's not even that hard."

Professor Snap decided to ignore this.

"I think I owe you an apology. I was convinced that you were just crazy, but clearly you are so unpopular that everyone really was trying to kill you."

"The important thing is that now all this bullshit is over." Snape sighed, secretly gleeful at the prospect of returning to teaching potions and reaching his life's goal.

"Yes. Thank goodness for closure." Professor Snap beamed.

"I'll close you! Your eyes! FOREVER!" Professor Flitwick, with the whirl of a machete, landed gracefully atop the corpse stack in a brilliant show of foreshadowing.

Professor Snap and Snape looked at him for a long moment.

"What?"

"You'd better explain yourself, Filius "The Alliterated" Flitwick!" Snape put his wand at the ready. "Don't tell me you were in love with me, too."

"Hardly, Severus. Everyone seems to constantly overlook your hideous ugliness, but I can't! It haunts me every day. But that wasn't why I wanted to kill you, oh no. I've been murdering for _years_ and what do I get for it? A SLAP ON THE WRIST! 'Don't kill the centaurs anymore.' 'Cats aren't for strangling, Filius.' 'I think that merman was already drowned when you got there.' I'm tired of not being recognized for my work! So I decided to do something that couldn't be ignored…or so I thought. You wound me, Severus. You didn't even remember my attempted homicide."

"I don't understand how you could have been responsible for the dragon. You weren't even there!""

"Oh, but I _was_. You see, I was hiding under the sofa. I was almost discovered, but then you got that crowbar and suddenly murdering you that evening didn't seem like such a good idea."

"_Avada Kadavra!_" Snape didn't give Flitwick the opportunity to attack first.

However, the tiny professor was nimble as ever. Leaping to the side, he held his wand at the ready and sheathed the machete in one smooth motion.

"_Expelliarimus_!" Snape's wand flew out of his hand. Both he and Professor Snap watched it arc away in horror. "I can see that words and genius are lost on you, Severus. You always were my inferior. In every way. Goodbye. _Avada Kadavra_!"

As the green light surged toward Snape, Professor Snap threw himself bodily against the half-naked professor, tackling him out of the way. The spell shot harmlessly into a house elf. As they fell to the floor, Professor Snap landed on top of Snape, causing a painful crunching sound in the rib area.

"Owww." Snape exhaled in pain.

Professor Snap carried through his momentum, rolled off of Snape through a summersault, and regained his footing while grabbing a large carving knife that had been destined for one of the ruined turkeys. The moment he regained his footing, Professor Snap whirled to face Professor Flitwick and threw the knife with deadly accuracy. Snape stared up Professor Snap as the light shined off of his greased muscles and was surprised by the hate-filled war gaze that he saw. Was this really the pansy psycho-analyst he had grown to loathe?

The knife plunged into Professor Flitwick's forehead between the eyes. His face took on a blank look and he staggered to the side, failing at keeping his balance.

"There. There's your recognition and then your retribution." Professor Snap hissed.

Professor Flitwick suddenly regained his footing and looked at the knife, crossing his eyes comically in the process.

"You jackass. You're going to pay!" He raised his wand again.

**Cruch! Crunch! BASH BASH BASH! Crunch! Splurt! BASH!**

Professor Flitwick toppled onto the corpse heap, his face barely recognizable. Professor Dumbledore stood smugly atop the death mound, arms folded and holding a bloody crowbar.

"I figured it best to end this nonsense." He explained nonchalantly.

"I'm glad someone did. Geez, Stanwick. You're such a Nancy boy that even when you kill someone they don't die." Snape laughed cruelly at the man who had saved his life.

"Professor Dumbledore? You're trying to kill him too?" Professor Snap deflated in defeat. He couldn't win against Dumbledore.

"Oh, Merlin no. I just wanted him out of the school so that I could conduct job interviews to replace him. That's why I allowed all of this to happen through my negligence."

"**Replace** me?" Snape finally noticed a familiar, roly-poly man sitting at his place at the head table. "BUTTERCAKES?"

"Heya, fella! Looks like I'm going to get your job." Bill waved in a friendly way.

"Well, what with the recent events I'd say there's more than enough jobs to go around. Severus, you shall have to teach quidditch from now on." Dumbledore muttered, clearly not impressed.

"Now hard feelings, eh?" Bill smiled.

"But why, Albus? I've taught here for years and I've always been loyal to you! I've been playing double agent, for god's sake! WHY?" Snape demanded to know why this most painful of all betrayals had happened.

"You were failing too many students and the parents were complaining. It was very annoying." Dumbledore gave Snape a stern look and he knew better than to complain.

"I can't teach quidditch. I hate outside." Snape looked horrified and like the heart had been ripped out of his chest.

"Severus, I am compassionate and, although you see it as a weakness, I see it as the strength to act with righteousness and to build bridges between hurting hearts." Professor Snap gave an impressive speech. Then he killed Bill Buttercakes with a well-placed carving fork to the throat.

Snape looked again at Professor Snap with the light of something there he hadn't seen before. As Bill Buttercake's screams died away, he turned to face Professor Snap.

"You saved me." Professor Snape was in shock and awe.

"I would do anything for you, Severus." Professor Snap put his hands on Snape's shoulders. "I loved you from the first moment I saw you. Sure, you're gross-looking and have a terrible personality, but I knew that it was protecting the tender soul of an angry and confused man. A beautiful man…on the inside."

"But why did you coldly smile and become threatening when I was almost murdered?" Snape sought to understand this gentle giant.

"I became emotionally paralyzed with worry and responded so inappropriately that I had to leave for fear of alienating you." He explained. "It broke my heart to have to run away when you needed me most!"

"Okay…that's enough." Snape was disgusted again, but the melting in his heart could not be undone.

"You guys are gross." Dumbledore laughed merrily as he rallied the house elves to clean everything up.

They stared into each other's eyes, completely in a world of their own. And truly they were, for the recent murders had made the children aware that the room was full of hungry thestrals. As the two embraced for the first time, the students of Hogwart's stared in horror at the frightening creatures they had never seen, but had been watching them shower.

**Epilogue: Professor Several Snapes**

Professor Snap sat in his office holding a sleeping toddler in his arms. He gazed down at it with the tenderness of a new father who has not yet gotten tired of his child's incessant crying. The child slept peacefully, the light shining through the window creating a soft glow around the scene.

Professor Snape stormed into the office like an angry storm cloud.

"I see you aren't working again." He walked in front of the window, making the room dark and cold.

The child shuddered and opened his eyes. Then a smile spread across his face.

"Daddy!"

"Yes, yes. Nice to see you too, Saul." Professor Snape appeared to eye the boy coldly, but his son and husband knew there was warmth inside of his icicle heart.

Suddenly, a sad and disturbed student burst into the room.

"Professor Snape!" He sniffled in distress.

"Yes?" Both men answered.

The student paused and shuddered at the memory of their unholy union. Mostly because of Snape's involvement. How they had managed to have a baby was beyond him. It must have been the magic of folic acid.

"I'll come back later." The student left, probably to go drown himself.

"You know, I think his distress is clearly a product of your duck paintings." Snape was saddened to see that they had increased by no less than thirty in the short time that they had been married.

"Saul likes them!" Stanwick replied bitingly.

"Yes, but his brothers Schuyler and Sigmund don't! And Sigmund hates his name." Snape added quickly.

"Stop projecting your feelings onto the children." Stanwick lightly scolded Snape, knowing that he was just being a bastard for jollies.

"I hate children." Snape crossed his arms.

"Ha ha ha! I love you too, darling." Stanwick laughed.

"I wuv you Daddy!" Saul beamed at his father.

"SHUT UP!" Snape glared at the two unconvincingly.

And they all erupted into end-of-movie laughter.

**THE END**


End file.
